Sunday, April 30, 2006

Common Sense

Sometimes I don't think I have any. For example, today my kitchen flooded. Like seriously flooded. One of the pipes under the sink has gone spastic and is spraying water all over the place. Or was, actually, it has stopped now. So I have towels all over the floor. I mentioned this to my dad, who immediately said, "Did you put a bucket under it?" Well, duh, that would have been the obvious thing to do. Did I think of it? Nope.

No Surprise Whatsoever

Your Political Profile

Overall: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Personal Responsibility: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Fiscal Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

Defense and Crime: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal

I'm Back!

I bet you all didn't even realize I was gone :) I was, though. My internet has been all out of wack the last few days. It's fixed now, though :) My modem was fried, and the line was screwed up. So five hours on the phone with my internet provider, two repair guys, and a new modem later, I'm back in business. This may mean an increase in real blogs and a decrease in boring surveys, which I fill out while bored in my office at school. I'm sure you're all excited ;)

Saturday, April 29, 2006

High School

Senior Year of High School

Year: 1998

1. Who were your best friends? Josh, Nancy, Brandy
2. What sports did you play? cross country
3. What kind of car did you drive? my dad's old van. it stalled every mile-and-a-half, but hey, it was wheels.
4. It's Friday night, where were you? football or basketball game (I was in band)
5. Were you a party animal? no
6. Were you in the "In Crowd"? no
7. Ever skip school? nope
9. Were you a nerd? unashamedly yes
10. Did you get suspended/expelled? nope
11. Can you sing the alma mater? yes
12. Who was your favorite teacher? Mr. S
13. Favorite class? creative writing
16. Did you go to Prom? yes, with a group of girls, half of which have now come out
17. If you could go back and do it over, would you? probably not
18. What do you remember most about graduation? I was valedictorian, so I spoke at graduation. Also, all my relatives came, and we had a huge party afterwards. It was awesome :) That, I would do again :)
19. Favorite memory of your Senior Year? cross country, playing some neat music in band
20. Were you ever posted up on the senior wall? um?
21. Did you have a job your senior year? not during the school year, actually, but JC Penny as soon as school ended.
22. Who did you date? I was not out and did not date.
23. Where did you go most often for lunch? the school cafeteria
24. Have you gained weight since then? yes.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Another ABC Thing

A is for age: 26
B is for beer of choice: Fat Tire
C is for career: almost adjunct professor
D is for your dog's name: I am happily dogless. Not that there's anything wrong with dogs, of course. They're just not for me.
E is for essential item you use everyday: toothpaste
F is for favorite song at the moment: Welcome Me by Amy Ray
G is for favorite game: cards
H is for Home town: smalltown, midwest
I is for instruments you play: french horn and a little piano
J is for favorite juice: grapefruit
K is for Kids: absolutely
L is for last hug: Janet
M is for marriage: absolutely
N is for name of your first bf/gf: S
O is for overnight hospital stays: 0
P is for phobias: snakes
Q is for quote: Focus on your own damn family.
R is for Biggest Regret: how my last relationship ended, not that it ended, but how it ended
S is for status: awake
T is for time you wake up: 7 on days I teach, 8:30 on days I don't
U is for underwear: yep, i wear it
V is for favorite vegetable: I like them all. it's hard to decide.
W is for worst habit: generally being a slob
X is for x-rays you've had: wrist, ankle, teeth
Y is for yummy food you make: broccoli cheese soup
Z is for zodiac sign:Pisces

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Another Poem

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

A Poem

In Blackwater Woods
by Mary Oliver

Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars
of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,
the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders
of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is
nameless now.
Every year
I have ever learned
in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side
is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.

ABC Survey

via frog

Accent: Yankee
Booze: red wine
Chore I Hate: cleaning the bathroom
Dog or Cat: cats
Essential Electronics: cell phone and computer
Favorite Cologne(s): Shalimar. My mom wears it. I wear white tea and ginger cream from Bath and Body Works.
Gold or Silver: Silver
Hometown: Smalltown, Midwest
Insomnia: not often
Job Title: teaching assistant, soon to be adjunct professor
Kids: someday :)
Living arrangements: one bedroom apartment with a fuzzy cat
Most admirable trait: compassion
Number of sexual partners: one
Overnight hospital stays: none
Phobias: snakes and heights
Quote: To live in this world / you must be able / to do three things: / to love what is mortal; / to hold it / against your bones knowing / your own life depends on it; / and, when the time comes to let it go, / to let it go. --Mary Oliver
Religion: Christian
Siblings: one sister
Time I wake up: 7:00
Unusual talent or skill: calculating within a dollar everything in my grocery cart before I check out
Vegetable I refuse to eat: brussel sprouts
Worst habit: I'm a slob. I'm really working on that one.
X-rays: wrist, ankle, teeth
Yummy foods I make: broccoli cheese soup
Zodiac sign: Pisces


Call me crazy, but wouldn't this money be better spent on say healthcare or maybe education?

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

A Smattering of Brief Movie Reviews

Ultimate Lesbian Short Film Festival
Rating: **

There are a couple of good shorts on here, but most of them are pretty lame. I absolutely adore lesbian short films, so this one was kind of a disappointment.

Walk the Line
Rating: *****

This one is absolutely fantastic. The music is great, the acting is great, and the story is great. Whether you like Johnny Cash or not is beside the point. The love story element is sweet and moving. Reese Witherspoon does a fantastic job as June Carter Cash. I have to admit, I was a little disappointed when she won the Oscar (I was cheering for Felicity Huffman), but she definitely deserved it.

North Country
Rating: *****

This movie is about the first class action sexual harrassment case in the United States (I think, at least). The story is fascinating. Charlize Theron is amazing, as always. Most of the guys in the movie pissed me off, but that was the point. I liked seeing the growth in the father, though. It was unexpected and very much appreicated. Sissy Spacek and Frances McDormand also did an outstanding job in the film.


Renee has been really busy entertaining people from out of town the last couple of days, so I haven't talked to her much. I've missed her! I didn't realize quite how much of the day we spent chatting until she was away. They're leaving early in the morning, and I will be so glad to be able to spend time with her again. It's been weird and lonely without her. I've spent a lot of time reading her stories since she's been busy. She's a fantastic writer. It's interesting, my ex was a very good writer, too. I must be attracted to writers or something. I do like people who have an appreciation for language. I spend so much time immersed in it that it's great to have someone who understands and appreciates it, as well.

I'm teaching this awesome book to my students right now called Discrete Categories Forced into Coupling by Kathleen Fraser. It's an awesome book. I was really worried about how it would go over in class, though. It's sort of wacky for an intro to poetry writing class. They were totally ready for it, though. I'll have to remember to teach books that require a little more open-mindedness like that at the end of the semester from now on. I'm currenly picking books for my intermediate poetry writing class, which is terribly exciting. I change my mind every other day. As the book order is now a month late, I had better make up my mind soon.

Monday, April 24, 2006

10 Things That Bring Me Joy

via frog

1. chatting with Renee
2. chatting with my sister
3. chatting with friends
4. my cat
5. teaching poetry
6. chatting with students
7. writing poetry
8. netflix
9. reading a good book
10. listening to treefrogs


So I have started weightlifting recently. I love it. I never thought I would say that. I took a weightlifting class in college and hated it. I couldn't even lift the bar. I'm doing free weights now, though, and my arms are showing it. I'm feeling really buff. I've only been lifting for a couple of weeks, and already my arm muscles are showing. It's pretty fantastic :)

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Glimpses of Easter

I wrote a few days ago about being extremely out of wack because of being off my medicine for a few days. Each day that I have been on the medication has been a little better. When I first got glasses, I was amazed at the fact that there were actually leaves on the trees. Going back on the medicine was a little like that.


My last relationship ended very badly a few months ago. I spent a lot of the winter dating around and really getting to know myself again. I have recently met this wonderful woman, Renee, who actually seems to get me. The first time we talked, we talked all night. I've never been able to talk to anyone like that. And she makes me laugh like no one but my sister ever makes me laugh. We're taking things slowly, and I have enjoyed every minute of it. She's an awesome person.


Last year on Palm Sunday, I joined my church. I adore my church. I had a really negative experience in a church when I was in college, which involved the pastor mocking gays from the pulpit. I still felt the desire to go to church, but I guess I just didn't feel entirely safe doing it. My church here is the most welcoming, caring place I have ever been. I've gotten really involved lately. I joined the choir about a month ago, and I'm going through a lay ministry program where I will keep track of five families within the church through phone calls and cards and stuff like that. I think it will be a great program. It's the first time we've done anything like it at my church. I had my second day of training this morning. I feel safe in this place.

Prayer Request

A very dear friend of mine just found a lump on her breast. She will be going to the doctor on Monday to get it examined. Please pray that everything is okay. Also she doesn't have health insurance, so please pray that she can find a way to swing whatever she needs financially. Thanks!

Friday, April 21, 2006


The theme of this is supposedly "ten," but there aren't always ten questions. I think others have probably deleted them for weirdness before it got to me.

10 Favorites

TV show: Designing Women, MASH, Xena!, SVU
Flower: sunflowers
Movie: Dead Poets Society, Mona Lisa Smile
Color: blue
Book: New and Selected Poems by Mary Oliver
Sport: cross country
Mall: one in the midwest
Music: Indigo Girls
Food: Italian and Mexican
Season: Summer

1 0 Facts

Hometown: Smalltown, Midwest
Hair color: brown
Hair style: currently short in the back and longer in the front. it's the best haircut I've had in a while.
Eye color: blue/green/gray/hazel/depends on the day, they change often.
Shoe Size: 6
Mood: happy, on an even keel
Sexuality: lesbian

1 0 Love Life

Have you ever been in love: yes
Do you believe in love?: yes
Why did your last relationsip fail? Lots of reasons. We just weren't meeting each others' needs anymore.
Have you ever been heartbroken?: yes
Have you ever broken someones heart?: yes
Have you ever fallen for your best friend?: no, they became by best friend later
Are you planning on getting married?: Yes
Are you afraid of commitment?: no

1 0 This or Thats

Love or lust?: both :)
Hard liquor or beer? beer
Hook-ups or relationship?: Relationships
T.V. or internet?: internet
Saturday or Sunday?: Saturday
Colored or black and white picture?: both
Phone or in person?: in person, but I'll take on the phone :)

1 0 Have you evers?

Have you ever been caught sneaking out?: no
Have you ever skinny dipped?: no
Have you ever done something you regret?: yeah, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason, at least in that sense.
Have you ever bungee jumped?: no
Have you ever been on a house boat?: no, but I think they're really cool
Have you ever finished an entire jaw breaker?: no. I'm not much of a candy person.
Have you ever stayed up all night til the sun came up?: yes. a lot lately, actually, because Renee and I talk that long. I've never been able to talk with anyone like that.
Have you ever been caught by your parents with a hickey?: no, but um, I've gone to church with hickies. (tmi, I know)
Have you ever been caught by your parents doing anything more than making out?: no

10 Are yous?

Are you missing someone right now?: yes
Are you in love with or like anyone?: more and more everyday
Are you happy?: Yes
Are you talking to anyone right now?: yes, Renee
Are you bored?: no
Are you German?: yes
Are you Irish?: yes!
Are you Italian?: no
Are you English? no
Are your parents still married?: yes, almost 33 years

Thursday, April 20, 2006

And the Fight Continues

Which is a good thing. Let my people serve already!

Brief Update

The medicine has kicked in pretty quickly, and I'm getting back on the even keel. Always a good thing. Thank God for celexa.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Depression Sucks

It's been about a week and a half since I've really been having problems again. I ran out of my medication at the beginning of last week and couldn't get an appointment at the campus health center for a refill until Monday of this week. Not a good thing, let me just tell you. So I'm back trying to get regulated again after a week of feeling absolutely and totally batshit crazy. I have been hardly able to stand myself. I cry at the least little thing and get really hurt over things that I shouldn't be hurt by and bascially get really critical of myself. My therapist pointed out the critical part yesterday, and it explained a lot. I have to keep pointing it out to myself whenever I start to think that I'm going to hell because my dishes aren't washed or some crazy bullshit like that. I have a story being workshopped tonight in my fiction class, which is not good in my present mindset.

Some good things that happened this week:
--I have four students who like my class so much that they are now forming their own little poetry group to keep critiquing each others' work.
--I get to teach an upper level poetry class in the fall.
--Renee likes me, too (grin).
--I'm currently judging an undergraduate poetry contest and having a marvelous time doing it. I love to see just how wonderfully students can write. This is part of why I love teaching so much.
--I hit a really good sale on toilet paper and shouldn't have to buy it again until August.
--I went to a marvelous post-half marathon party on Saturday with some friends who participated in the race. It was great fun. I am proud of them for completing the race.
--We sang the Hallalujah Chorus with the entire congregation in the front of the church (where the altar would be if we had one) at the end of both church services on Easter. It was fabulous.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I Love My Counselor, Part 27

She manages to explain things to me in ways that make sense. I like knowing how my brain is working. She explained the events of last week in a way that really clicked for me and made me see things in an entirely different light. I appreciated that.

So Far, So Good

My grandmother made it through her hip surgery fine today. The recovery process is going to be quite long, it seems. Thanks for the prayers.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Story and Essay Stash

I have started a story and essay stash elsewhere on the internet. If you are interested, I'll send you the link. I wanted to give a brief glimpse at the kind of stuff that might be found there. Plus Daniel has been on my mind a lot lately, and I wanted to post about him in the only way I've ever been able to address his death. I wrote this essay in December, 2004, a month after he died. In honor of Daniel, I have also added another link to my blog for the Trevor Project. I would also like to promote the Whosoever site again, for those who are gay and Christian and not sure quite what to do with that.

A Brief Dance with Daniel

Daniel loved to dance. Last year, only a couple months after I had arrived in town, I worked at a drag show on Halloween, selling fifty-fifty tickets for the gay organization on campus. Daniel also worked that night. After the show ended and the drawing was over, the bar owner began to play dance music. When “Respect” came on, we all moved to the floor to dance. I am not much of a dancer, but I did not want to be left out, so awkwardly I began to jive to the beat. Just then, two arms came around my waist and a friendly voice said, “Hey Gorgeous.” I looked up and saw two flirtatious blue eyes and a big grin.

“Hey Daniel,” I said.

“You need to move your hips, honey,” he responded, moving my hips in time with his.

He stepped away a moment later and continued to dance beside me. His body bounced in time with the music as he sang the words to himself, his face and arms showing the emotion and drama of the song. I watched Daniel dance for much of that evening. He seemed full of joy, and that joy was contagious.

Daniel began coming to the meetings early in the school year. He was almost flamboyantly gay, and he fit right in. He was nearly always dressed in a snappy suit and a tie because his fraternity met on that same night. He would always greet us all with the usual “Hey Gorgeous” or “Hey Beautiful.” The room seemed to light up when Daniel entered it. He was tall with blonde hair that curled around his head. He was almost always ready to wrap his arms around each person in a friendly hug. Thirty minutes into each meeting, he would slip out to meet with his fraternity. I think everyone looked forward to Daniel’s arrival at the meetings. It has been just over a month since he came to one of our meetings, and we miss him.

On the morning of October 27, I got a phone call from Daniel’s roommate, Sydney. I was walking home from school and was almost to Beacon Street, my halfway point. Sydney’s voice rang in my ear, “Daniel’s dead. He killed himself last night.” The world suddenly seemed to turn more slowly.

The next few days, I spent hours poring over every paper in the state that I could find online, trying to find his obituary. Surely someone would run his obituary. He died in this town, so I checked the local paper several times a day. Maybe they would at least post his death notice, but no, they never did. Seeing his name in print would give me something concrete to help me grasp what had happened, I thought. The truth was, I had no idea what had happened. I always saw Daniel as a very happy, secure person. I wanted some evidence of something that had happened to make him take his own life.

A few days later, on the way to his hometown for the funeral, my friend Kat told me what she knew about Daniel’s death. Apparently, Daniel had been struggling with depression for a long time. It seemed that much of his depression stemmed from his being gay. Daniel’s family was very conservative and religious. His mother was Mormon, and his father was Catholic. Although his father had accepted him, his mother prayed daily for his salvation. All the while, Daniel struggled to reconcile his faith and the guilt he felt about being gay.

“He talked to me about it a couple times,” said Kat. “He called himself an abomination.”

“So he killed himself because he was gay?” I asked her.

She closed her mouth, squinted her eyes, and nodded.

“He didn’t leave a note,” she added after a moment or two.

* * *

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services reported in 1989 that homosexual teenagers are “two to three times more likely to commit suicide than other youths” (Proctor). The same report said that 25 to 30 percent of gay teenagers acknowledged attempting suicide at least once. These findings were rejected in 1992 by the DHHS secretary, Louis Sullivan, because he believed them to be “contrary to family values” (Proctor). In other words, the struggle of young gay community is not even acknowledged by the government at this time.

The British Journal of Psychiatry recently released the results of a study that found that discrimination and homophobia cause many mental health issues in the gay community. The study found that homosexuals and bisexuals are twice as likely as heterosexuals to suffer from mental problems. Homophobic school bullying, in particular, is named as causing students to be at a greater risk for problems (“Study”). Teenagers frequently use the word “gay” as an insult. To be “gay” is obviously a bad thing to many people. Just this past week, a high school student in Ontario, Canada killed himself because his classmates teased him about being gay, even though he was not (“Homophobic Bullying”). If internalized homophobia can cause this much damage in a young person who knew that he was not homosexual, what pain it must cause those young people who really are.

The British Journal of Psychiatry report also found that 42 percent of gay men, 43 percent of lesbians, and 49 percent of bisexuals had mental health problems. Those same numbers of respondents had also either “planned or committed acts of self-harm” (“Study”). Of those surveyed, 83 percent had experienced some type of discrimination based on their sexuality, including property damage, insults, and bullying (“Study”).

* * *

Despite Daniel’s flamboyant nature, he was not out to most of the people in his life. He belonged to the campus fraternity that is known as the most homophobic fraternity on campus. He was not out to his brothers there for obvious reasons. He was also not out at work. He had worked at Home Depot for many years, both in his hometown and in this town when he moved here. He was not out to most of his relatives, something his mother stressed to Sydney during the funeral arrangement process. She expressly forbid everyone who knew from mentioning it at the funeral. In fact, it seemed that the only people he was out to were the people he had met through in the campus gay organization. How he must have looked forward to those few minutes each week when he could live honestly.

* * *

“Low self-esteem, social isolation, depression, negative family interactions, and negative social attitudes” are factors that have been linked to the suicide attempts of gay teenagers (Proctor). Approximately one-third of the suicide attempts in the study occurred during the same year the participants began to realize that they were gay. The difference between those gay adolescents who are able to cope with the stresses of being gay and those who are not is the support system. Those adolescents who have a strong support system are less likely to consider suicide as one of their options (Proctor).

* * *

The drive to Daniel’s funeral is one of the most beautiful I have ever taken, scenery-wise. The stretch of land between this town and his hometown seems endless. The mountains and rock formations appear to offer a kind of strength and stability to those who pass through them. I wondered at the number of times Daniel had passed through them. What thoughts wandered through his mind during that drive? Had he ever found strength there?

My thoughts raged between a grief that pressed down on my shoulders and anger that most of the world had not reached a place where it could recognize the beauty of Daniel. Why had this happened? What could we do to keep it from happening again? I had known the statistics about suicide among gay young people, but I had never directly experienced it. It had always been just a number. Now that number had a face that was all too real.

Entering Daniel’s hometown was jarring after the long drive in the desert. Upon exit from the freeway, we were immediately bombarded with the passing images of a small town. The houses leaned close together in a way that said their inhabitants all knew each other. The yards were lined with Bush/Cheney signs and many other cars on the road sported “Support Our Troops” bumper stickers. We passed many churches and fast food restaurants, car washes and drug stores. Each place was filled with people going about their lives, perhaps unaware of the life that had recently left them, perhaps untouched by the absence of Daniel’s beautiful soul.

At the funeral, we listened to the priest talk about how his mother characterized Daniel. We also listened to a couple of his high school friends speak about how he had been when they had known him. Near the end of the service, his father stood up, breathing deeply between each sentence, he delivered a short speech he had prepared for Daniel. “We are all affected by his death,” he said. “We need to remember him by learning to accept differences in others. This world needs to change. We need to let people be who they are.”

* * *

Curtis Proctor, a child and family therapist for Catholic Social Services in Rock Island, Illinois, recommends several methods for preventing suicides among gay adolescents. He says that schools should include gay and lesbian families when they discuss family planning, allowing gay teenagers to see that there are others like them. He also recommends that schools include books in the library that portray gays in a positive way. He specifically notes that conservative attacks on gay positive books can lead to a higher suicide rate among homosexual teenagers. He says that schools should include gay speakers and resources, as well as post phone numbers to peer counseling services. He also encourages family involvement in PFLAG, or Parents, Friends, and Family of Lesbians and Gays.

* * *

On that Halloween night, we all stood back by the door, discussing where we should go next since the night was young. I glanced at the dance floor which was nearly empty now. Only one figure continued to dance: Daniel. He closed his eyes, relishing the serenity and solitude of the moment, at peace on the dance floor.

Works Cited

“Homophobic Bullying Drives Teen To Suicide.” 5 December 2004.
Proctor, Curtis. “Risk Factors for Suicide Among Gay Lesbian, and Bisexual Youths.” Social Work 39.5 (504-14): 1994. Academic Search Premier. EBSCOhost. Albertson’s Library at Boise State University. 5 December 2004.
“Study: Homophobia Spikes Gay Health Issues.” 1 December 2004.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Happy Easter

Not too happy of a day for me, really. My grandmother, who just turned 87 on Thursday, fell and broke her hip. She is quite a mess, and I am quite a mess with worry. If you have any prayers to spare for her, I'd sure appreciate it.

Saturday, April 15, 2006


Standard weirdness deletion policy applies.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
I don't feel like gelling my hair today.

3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR"? Roar

4. Favorite planet? Venus

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your mobile? Liz. I really need to call her back.

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone? Don't know. It plays a waltz from the Nutcracker, so I guess that's it.

7. What shirt are you wearing? tie dye

8. Do you "label" yourself? Dyke, Christian, I hate labels, though.

9. Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing? socks

10. Bright or Dark Room? Bright

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey? Her kitties are quite enjoying her company this weekend.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Talking with this wonderful woman I know...okay she needs a name. Renee. That would thrill her. She's a big Renee O'Connor fan.

14. What did your last text message you received on your mobile say? don't text

15. Where is your letter box? outside in the parking lot

16. What's a word that you say a lot? cool

17. Who was the last person to say they loved you? my sister

18. Last furry thing you touched? the fuzzy child

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? spironolactone and klonopin (curses on the student health center for not being able to fit me in for a celexa refill yet. grrr.)

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? too many

21. Favorite age you have been so far? I had a really good year when I was 22. 25 was a really bad year. I like being 26 so far.

23. What is your current desktop picture? Xena and Gabrielle embracing

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? to Renee: "No, I've never wanted to be on a game show."

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly, which would you do? At the moment, the money. That's the poor college student in me talking. In the long run, it would be awfully cool to be able to fly.

26. Do you like someone? yep

27. The last song you listened to? Narnia soundtrack (or rather the movie music as I was just watching part of the movie)

28. If the last person you spoke to was getting shot at, would you jump in front of it? yes

30. What is the closest object to your left foot? cell phone cord

Maundy Thursday (Even Though It's Saturday)

I'm never entirely sure what to say about Maundy Thursday. It's such an emotional service. I always end up being incredibly depressed afterward. I like the service at my church because it is first a seder meal and then a time of celebration of life and having made it through another year (this part includes learning traditional Jewish dances) and then we have the Weep Mary Weep service. I like the balance of the evening. I like being able to celebrate life and survival in the same service that we celebrate loss and betrayal. There is something that feels very real about that.

This is the second year that I participated in this service at my church. I actually joined my church on Palm Sunday last year, so this year has been a year of both good and bad anniversaries. (I also got engaged to my then girlfriend around Palm Sunday last year). Last year, I leaned more toward the celebration end of the spectrum for the service, but I really felt like I was able to fully appreciate the spectrum of emotions this year. I laughed, and I cried more than once.

It has been a hard week but not in the ways I thought it would be hard. It has also been a week of celebration, in ways I never thought I would experience. Most of all, it has been a week to reflect on how much I have been able to survive and move on. I'm a lot stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. It was wonderful to see that embedded in a single service.

Friday, April 14, 2006


Some questions deleted for being far too nosy.

3) What are you listening to right now?
traffic, my officemate eat

4) Whats your favorite number?
7, 13

5) What was the last thing you ate?
haven't eaten yet today. i woke up really late and bolted out the door to class. i just haven't made it to lunch yet. soon hopefully. my stomach is cursing me.

6) When was the last time you smiled?
smiling at the moment

7) How is the weather right now?
cloudy but warmish

8) Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
this wonderful girl I know

9) What is your worst habit?
not washing the dishes until they're, you know, moldy

10) Do you drink?

11) Do you smoke?

12) When was the last time, if ever, you blacked out?

13) girlfriend?
nope, not yet

14) Hair color?

15) Eye Color?
depends on the day. they change between blue, green, hazel, and gray quite frequently. i put blue on my driver's license. the woman at the counter argued with me. eh. who knows.

16) Do you wear contacts?
no, but i used to

17) Favorite Holiday?

18) Favorite Month?
june and december

19) Have you ever cried for no reason?

20) What was the last movie you watched?
I have no idea.

21) Favorite Day of the Year?
Dec. 26

22) Are you too shy to ask someone out?
not at all

23) Last advice you received?
ignore it and she'll stop

24) What was the highlight of your weekend?
talking to this wonderful woman I know

25) Chocolate or Vanilla?

26) What is the last text message you received?
don't text

27) What is the last text message you sent?:
don't text

28) Who was the last person to call you?
This wonderful woman I know.

29) What was the last book you read?
Lost in a Good Book, by Jasper Fforde. I'm not done with it yet, though.

30) When was the last time you slept in someone else's bed?
no idea

31) Favorite movie?
Dead Poets Society

32) Favorite football team?
I hate football.

33) What were you doing before this?
chatting with this wonderful woman I know. still am, actually

34. Any pets?
yes, a cat, my fuzzy child

36) Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?

37) Dogs or cats?

38) Favorite flower?

39) When was the last time you got in trouble?
no idea. I try to be good.

41) Have you ever loved someone?

42) Who would you like to see right now?
this wonderful woman I know

43) Are you still friends with people from kindergarten?

44) Have you ever fired a gun?

45) Do you like to travel by plane?

46) What websites do you go to frequently?

47) If you could be with someone right now, who would it be?
this wonderful woman I know

48) How many pillows do you sleep with?

49) Are you missing someone?


Via Anndi, whose blog you may not read

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. college professor
2. preacher
3. schmoozer at a country club
4. editor of a literary magazine

Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Dead Poets Society
2. Mona Lisa Smile
3. Eulogy
4. Napoleon Dynamite

Four Places I have lived:
1. Midwest
2. Southeast
3. Northwest
4. Costa Rica (for five weeks)

Four TV shows I love to watch:
1. Law & Order: SVU
2. Designing Women
4. Xena!

Four places I have been on vacation:
1. Venice
2. Paris
3. Mackinac Island
4. London

Four websites I visit often:
2. my favorite feminist message board :)
3. email
4. (although i mostly hate CNN)

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Wendy's chicken strips
2. tortellini with pesto sauce
3. cheese enchiladas
4. rice and beans

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. with this fabulous girl I know
2. Italy
3. Ireland
4. in bed

Four places I would like to visit:
1. Ireland
2. Chile
3. Greece
4. Egypt

Four books I highly recommend:
1. New and Selected Poems by Mary Oliver
2. In the Time of the Butterflies by Julia Alvarez
3. The Rapture of Canaan by Sheri Reynolds
4. Woman Hollering Creek and Other Stories by Sandra Cisneros

On Dating and Being Single

I just read something in a new forum that I absolutely adore on being secure as a single person. I have written a lot on this blog about "dating." I have been quite an active dater lately. I had never really dated, casually or otherwise, before I met my ex, and I always wanted to know what that was like. I have met a tremendous number of amazing women over the last couple of months. I have been really open to blind dates, and to be honest, it has been extremely fun. More than anything, it has helped me see what I do and don't want in a relationship, and this was good for me to realize. I've even made a couple of new friends, which I'm very happy about.

I have always been a comfortable single person. I enjoy my own company, and I'm not afraid to do things alone that I want to do. The women I admire most in my life are the same way. One woman, Sheri, advised me when I first met her to stay single as long as I can because the freedom to be able to do whatever you want to do is something that should only be sacrificed to someone who is truly worth it. The first time I went to a restaurant by myself just because I felt like eating there, my mother was extremely proud. She always told me that you have to be able to make yourself happy and that you can't depend on someone else to do that. This is something I have found to be true in myself.

One thing that really failed in my last relationship was that we depended on each other too much. We were both very lonely when we met and really jumped in with both feet far too soon. I certainly don't regret that relationship. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and I'm glad to have had the opportunity to know her. When we broke up, I really needed to get to know myself again, and I believe that I have done that, and I am once again a very comfortable single person.

It happens that I have met someone recently who I have become very close to in a short amount of time. I've never clicked with someone like that before. I don't know what will happen with her, and I haven't written about her much here, I know, and I have done that on purpose. I guess I want to see where it goes before I talk too much. I will say that she makes me re-evaluate the single life, though :)

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Things That Always Make Me Smile

I have recently gotten back in touch with a girl I went to high school with. She always ran with a pretty conservative crowd, but she has changed a lot. I just read her blog, which I'm sorry is not a public thing so you can't read it, and this is what she posted:

1) Being gay is not natural.
Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay.
In the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society.

We could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all.
Women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed.
For instance the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children.
Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children.
You know, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion.
In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home.
That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior.
People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

Yay Holly! What a fantastic girl she is!


For what it's worth, my day has improved by leaps and bounds. I have made plans with a wonderful (female) friend to go to visit Focus on the Family this summer and make out in the lobby. Seriously. There may be pictures involved. I will keep you posted of course.

1. Taken a picture naked? No
2. Painted your room? Yes
3. Made out with a member of the same sex? Of course
4. Drove a car? Yes
5. Danced in front of your mirror? Yes
6. Have a crush? Yes
7. Been dumped? Yes
8. Stolen money from friend? No
9. Gotten in a car with people you just met? Yes
10. Been in a fist fight? No
11. Snuck out of your house? Yes
12. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? Yes
13. Been arrested? No
14. Made out with a stranger? No
15. Met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? Yes, and that's a really weird question, so I'm not sure if I'm missing an implication or what.
16. Left your house with out telling your parents? Yes
17. Had a crush on your neighbor? No
18. Ditched school to do something more fun? Yes
19. Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Yes
20. Seen someone die? No
21. Been on a plane? Yes
22. Kissed a picture? Yes
23. Slept in until 3PM? No
24. Love someone or miss someone right now? Yes, both
25. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yes
26. Made a snow angel? Yes
27. Played dress up? Yes
28. Cheated while playing a game? Yes
29. Been lonely? Yes
30. Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes
31. Been to a club? Yes
32. Felt an earthquake? No
33. Touched a snake? Yes
34. Ran a red light? Yes
35. Been suspended from school? No
36. Had detention? No
37. Been in a car accident? Yes
38. Hated the way you look? Yes
39. Witnessed a crime? I don't think so.
40. Pole danced? No
41. Been lost? Yes
42. Been to the opposite side of the country? Yes
43. Felt like dying? Yes
44. Cried yourself to sleep? Yes
46. Sang karaoke? Yes
47. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
48. Laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose? Yes
49. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
50. Kissed in the rain? Yes
51. Sing in the shower? Yes
52. Made love in a park? No
53. Had a dream that you married someone? Yes
54. Glued your hand to something? No
55. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? No
56. Ever gone to school partially naked? No
57. Been a cheerleader? No!
58. Sat on a roof top? Yes
59. Didn't take a shower for a week? Yes. In my defense, I was 14 and clueless (and smelly).
60. Ever too scared to watch scary movies alone? Yes
61. Played chicken? No
62. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Yes
63. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? Yes
64. Broken a bone? No
65. Been easily amused? Yes
66. Laughed so hard you cry? Yes
67. Mooned/flashed someone? No
68. Cheated on a test? Yes
69. Forgotten someone's name? Yes
70. Slept naked? Yes
71. Gone skinny dipping in a pool? No
73. Blacked out from drinking? No. I can't imagine losing control like that.
74. Played a prank on someone? Yes
75. Gone to a late night movie? Yes
76. Made love to anything not human? No!
77. Failed a class? No
78. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? No
79. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? Yes
80. Cheated on a girl/boyfriend? No
81. Did you celebrate the 4th of July? Yes
82. Thrown strange objects? Yes
83. Felt like killing someone? Not literally
84. Thought about running away? Yes
85. Ran away? No
86. Did drugs? No
87. Had detention and not attend it? No
89. Made a parent cry? Yes
90. Cried over someone? Yes
91. Owned more than 5 sharpies? Yes
92. Dated someone more than once? No
93. Have a dog? Yes, when I was wee little
94. Own an instrument? Yes
95. Been in a band? Yes
96. Drank 25 sodas in a day? No
97. Broken a cd? Yes
98. Shot a gun? No

Wednesday, April 12, 2006


So today has been an eventful, stressful day. Some of you may know what happened, some of you may not, and I'm going to leave it at that. I toyed with being more detailed, but, well, I'm a bigger person than that, I have decided. I must say, though, after the initial shock and hurt, I actually think it's quite funny, although quite sad at the same time, much more for the instigator than for me. People. They have no class at all. And I'm glad I'm no longer involved.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006


The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few.
But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky.

Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski


Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is high.
You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person.
And in return, you expect the same from who you love.
Any sign of straying, and you'll end things.

Experience Level:

Your experience level is high.
You've loved, lost, and loved again.
You have had a wide range of love experiences.
And when the real thing comes along, you know it!


Your dominance is low.
This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced.
You know a relationship is not about getting your way.
And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom.


Your cynicism is low.
You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.
No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter.
You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.
And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon.


Your independence is low.
This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships..
It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life.
In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

Monday, April 10, 2006

I Love My Church


We may be losing a few churches, but more importantly, we're spreading the message that everyone is welcome in our denomination. That, in my opinion, is the true gospel. Jesus ticked people off a lot, too.

Bad Day

I haven't had one like this in a while. My anxiety level is higher than it's been in over a year, since before I started the medicine. I just feel sick. I don't know why. I hate feeling like this. I'm trying to get myself in order so that I can at least do my homework, but my body is not cooperating. I hate feeling like this. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe my medicine needs to be adjusted or something. I don't know what the deal is. I wish it would stop, though.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Palm Sunday

Today was a really angsty kind of day. It started out at church. We had a whole bunch of extra people in choir, and it was crowded on our pew, and I could feel myself start to twitch. I don't do well in crowds. I think this is why I don't like to go clubbing very often. About the only time I can stand a crowd is the day after Thanksgiving, when I spent the entire day shopping with my aunts and sister. I love that day. It's fabulous. But anyway, I digress.

The rest of the day, I have been unable to sit still for more than five minutes at a time. I did manage to get some brownies baked. (I wanted to send some to this wonderful person I've been talking to lately). But other than that, I have been largely unproductive and antsy. I have this story due on Wednesday for my fiction class, and I'm really freaked out about it, to the point where I don't even want to look at it at all.

I have been closely studying the craft of Delmira Agustini this evening. She's really quite amazing. All of her poems are so carefully metered and rhymed. It's fabulous. It's going to be damn hard to translate that and make it anything comparable to what she is doing. I sure want to try, though :)

I love the music for Palm Sunday. I always have. It's such a joyful day in so many ways. In some ways, though, I've always wondered why we focus on this particular day in the church. It was a very angst-filled day, I imagine.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Eh, why not

Some questions may be deleted for being weird.

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
A: gray with a blue stripe

Q: Whats your favorite sport?
A: cross country running

Q: I cant wait till..?
A: Pride this summer

Q: Look to your left. Whats there?
A: the wall

Q: Whats the last piece of clothing you borrowed from someone?
A: my sister's shoes

Q: What website do you visit the most?
A: email account

Q: Do you have plants in your room?
A: clover from the mystery person who still has not been identified


1. Person you saw: people at church today
2. Hugged: people at church today
3. Shopped: grocery store today
4. IM: don't know. my sister?
5. Song you listened to: Long Time Gone, Dixie Chicks
6. Person you texted: don't text
7. Food you ate : Wendy's chicken strips
8. Watched on tv : Designing Women, yesterday
9. Person you kissed : no comment


1. What are you doing now?: this survey
2. What are you doing tonight: nothing
3. What are you going to eat for lunch: already ate lunch
4. What do you miss : I'm happy at the moment.
5. Time you woke up : 7:30


1. Is: sunday
2. Got any plans: yep. It's Palm Sunday. I'm going to church and waving my palm.
3. Goal: revise that damn story
4. Dislikes: about Sunday? nope.
5. Do you have to work: nope


1. Currently like someone: oh yes
2. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend: no
3. Missing someone: my sister


This morning, I went to a meeting at my church about some problems we have been having as a congregation. Part of the morning included an opportunity to walk a labyrinth, which is a path (ours is on fabric) on which the walker spends time meditating and praying. It's sort of like a walking meditation, like they do at some sanghas.

I went this morning with the intent of avoiding the labyrinth. The only time I had ever walked one was with my ex a few days after we got engaged last year. I have found myself rebelling a few times against the faith that I felt her trying to mold me into. I felt drawn to the labyrinth this morning, though, and so I let myself walk it.

I had a conversation this morning with a wonderful deacon at my church named Darlene. She is an older woman who has been with her partner for 25 years. They are perfect together and are obviously happy. They are the only stable relationship that one of their granddaughters has ever known. Darlene is one of the most caring people I have ever met. This morning, she asked me if I would attend all of the Holy Week stuff at church, and I said yes. She told me she knew how different this year would be than last and that I was brave to reclaim it for myself among all kinds of friends and loved ones. I appreciated that.

With that in mind, I walked the labyrinth. I thought about how much has changed in the last few months and how much I have been able to let go of in terms of hurt. There were so many beautiful things about my ex. She has so much to offer the world, and I hope someday she's able to be free enough from her own pain to really give it and accept love from wherever it comes.

I thought about this new woman I've been talking to and how much I like her. I've never had anyone listen to me like that, like she's really hearing me and hanging on every word I'm saying. It's amazing. I realized that I'm finally ready to move on to whatever comes next, even though I don't know what that will be. I think that's a good way to enter Holy Week.

Thursday, April 06, 2006


via Holly, whose blog you may not read

Some questions may be deleted for being weird.

1. What is your occupation?
I am a graduate student and teacher

2. What color are your socks right now?
green and white. I'm wearing frog socks, not to be mistaken for frog's socks.

3. What are you listening to right now?
Dixie Chicks

4. What was the last thing that you ate?
chicken. And I'm getting hungry again.

5. Can you drive a stick shift?

6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
probably blue

7. Last person you spoke to on the phone?

9. How old are you today?

10. Favorite drink?
iced tea

11. What is your favorite sport to watch?
I hate sports. However, I like to watch bobsledding. Is that a sport? I used to enjoy watching the women's basketball team at my college. That had nothing to do with the sport, though...

12. Have you ever dyed your hair?
Yes. I dyed it red and blue, which were my school colors, and went to cheer on my teammates at the state cross country meet.

13. Do you wear contacts or glasses?

14. Pets?
I have one. I don't wear any, though.

15. Favorite pasta dish?
tortellini with pesto sauce

16.The last TV show you watched?
Will and Grace

17. Favorite day of the year?
December 26

18. What do you do to vent anger?
write usually, sometimes call my sister and rant

19. What was your favorite toy as a child?
I was just talking about this today. Probably my stuffed dog that my grandmother made me when I was a kid.

20. Fall or spring?
spring. it means summer is on it's way :)

21. Hugs or kisses?

22. Cherry or Blueberry?

27. What is on the floor of your closet?
usually my cat

28. Who is the friend you have had the longest?
Josh. We've known each other since he was born. I'm older than him by a year.

29. What did you do last night?
I talked to this beautiful, amazing woman for eight hours on the phone. She is truly spectacular. I like her a lot.

30. Favorite smell?
freshly cut grass and lilac

31. Who inspires you?
my grandmother (mom's mom)

33. Favorite Hamburger?

34. Favorite vehicle?
I like my car.

35. Favorite dog breed?

36. Number of keys on your key ring?
I don't remember. 10?

37. How many years at current job?
almost three

38. Favorite day of the week?

39. How many states have you lived in?

40. Favorite holiday?

41. Ever driven a Motorcycle or heavy machinery ?
nope. I've always wanted to drive a motorcycle, though.

42. Do you have scars?

42. Do you wish your hair was a different color?
I've never really thought about it. I don't think so.

43. Have you sworn at your parents?
no, but I've sworn in front of them.

45. Do you cry at Disney movies?

47. Have you ever had stitches?

48. Do you have your tonsils?

49. Wisdom teeth?

50. Ever been to planned parenthood?
No, but I've talked to them on the phone several times. They're great about donating stuff for events and such. They even donate dental dams. They're the only organization I've found that'll do that.

51. What's the farthest you've ever driven in one day?
10 or 11 hours. I have no idea how many miles it was. I was too tired to care by the time I got there.

52. Last time you were on a plane?

53. Have you ever been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans?

54. Do you have a tattoo
Not yet

55. Do you have any strange piercings?

56. Have you committed a crime?
speeding, parking illegally

57. Have you ever made out with a member of the same sex?
Of course!

59. If you could do anything right now, what would it be?
Go visit this wonderful woman I know and talk to her for hours on end.

61. What are your plans for the evening?
It's late. I'm going to bed soon.

62. Weekend plans?
Talking to the wonderful woman and having coffee with a friend and going to a church meeting and I told two other friends I'd hang out with them, too, now that I think about it... Guess I'll be kind of busy.




Some posts deleted simply for privacy's sake :)

Tuesday, April 04, 2006


At the beginning of the year, I posted a list of New Year's resolutions, and one of them was that I would get a houseplant. Well, I never did. On St. Patrick's Day, a mystery person left a pot of clover on my desk at school. I have really loved this little plant. I have asked around and tried to figure out who left it for me, and no one has owned up to it. I really love it, though, and it's still at this moment thriving. So whoever left it for me, thank you :) I'm quite enjoying it :)

Monday, April 03, 2006


It was accepted! I would have posted sooner, but I came home and fell asleep on the couch. At any rate, it went really well. They encouraged me to apply to Iowa in translation, which I thought was cool. The next project I want to do is translations of Delmira Agustini and Alfonsina Storni's poetry.

Today's the Day

And I'm feeling slightly ill. My defense is at 3, by the way.